4.  So, how do you deal psychologically with the fact that you were losing people? What’s your coping strategy?

(*breaths thoroughly) Being a Deputy Project Manager, in other words being the leader, asks you to be in charge of responsibility. But nevertheless I was emotionally affected; I just remember that we had eaten together before the incident took place. The point is that there were about 1,000 people on the project and that means that in my role as the leader, I am not allowed to lose control. If you lose control, you are no longer a leader.

5.  And as a person?

It was tough but also detached in a way.  I knew them, but I did not know their families. Actually I did not get overly close to that many employees.  I have seen so many crucial things while doing my work, I learned very quickly to be well aware of all degrees of risk taking and failing to recognize differences in culture.  But getting too close at times can cause you to make bad decisions which can affect the mission.  You have to learn to detach the personal from the professional; the fact that everyone there volunteered as free men and women to be there makes it easier but looking back at times it is moving.  To be honest though you don’t have to be in a warzone to feel things like that; just look at the police and rescue personnel who put themselves at risk to save or protect strangers.  Someone has to make the decision to do something and with volunteers it is easier but loosing someone always makes you reflect on what your decisions were; hopefully to make them better in the future.

6.  What is your lesson learnt out of that experience?

One, never take a job like that without thinking about it thoroughly. If you have to take a job like that, ensure that you have a certain amount of protection supplied to you unless you are allowed to carry a weapon for defending yourself. And in addition you have to think carefully in what context you are acting. If you take a decision without taking the overall picture into account, you are doomed. They took a decision on their own and they weren’t aware that they simply could not take any decision because they had no idea about the bigger picture, hence no control over their lives. Yes, I could feel sad about it, but beating myself up about it is also foolish. I can’t do anything about it, in one way or the other. Also what I have learnt in my role as a leader is the concept of “there will be time for crying later on”. You can’t let yourself, your emotions, nor your fears control the situation now, or else a lot worse will happen. So the lesson learnt is: “You have to detach yourself from your emotions for a certain period”. This might sound difficult to understand, but that is the way you have to live.

7.  What is your overall perception of conflict?

It happens. We have to deal with it. Whether it is an international conflict on a large scale, in which you can detach yourself for a certain extent or whether you would experience personal conflict. A conflict means that you have to balance the emotions versus the facts. They are not always the same and it is up to us to figure out the two without letting one influence the other. Personally I think sorting the facts out is probably the most difficult part.

8.  For how long have you been experiencing now crisis and war zones?

Well actually I was trained for a long time to be sent to crisis areas and war zones, but never got sent to such a place while in the army.  When I joined a civilian company providing logistics services, facility and construction management to the army, I got sent to crisis and war zones but never came to experience them personally. I wasn’t facing any confrontation and was actually well protected by the security companies who were tremendously professional by avoiding any conflict and acting very defensive. Nevertheless, the adventure of it, “the adrenalin” which is released by simply driving a dangerous street is addictive.

If you are interested in studying the crisis mentality within certain professions “War Is A Force That Gives Us Meaning” written by the Journalist Chris Hedges who reported repeatedly out of warzones is a good book to read.  He, as a theologian and a psychologist, analyzed a lot of aspects of the crisis mentality.  It is only consciously realized when you settled down and start thinking that things became quite boring and most probably are going to find out about the next “crisis”, that is why we have war correspondents and other professions who really gravitate to those areas.

9.  Did you fear death so far?

Well, when I went to Turkey I felt nervous, since the media station and the security staff who were briefing us about the situation made it out to be that everyone is out to get you, but being in Baghdad for the first time I realized that getting from the international airport to the Green Zone was the most dangerous road anywhere in Iraq at that time.  I think that I had certain times in my life where I was “in and out of the church”.  I remember a distinct situation in Baghdad where I could have easily become the target of an attack, but out of the blue I spotted a cross at a church, yes Baghdad has a quite large Christian community, and I felt thoroughly calm all of a sudden. There was another thought provoking incident while being at Baghdad, where I figured out that there must be guardian angels out there. Ever since then I felt never overly fearful, and in comparison with my army colleagues I was never experiencing real combat. So no, I did not fear death so far; I had more fear of being hurt or badly wounded and having to live with that later.

10.  How do you term that phase of your life? Are you dreaming about it?

(*thinks) Maybe foolish adventurism?! I am not dreaming a lot about that specific time of my life. And, if you refer to posttraumatic stress disorders due to war memories, nope, I don’t experience them; I never came across someone being killed in a battle or even saw a dead body.  It was kind of weird but it really seemed like someone was keeping me away from all the really dangerous areas.  A guardian angel if you will…..

And a final question: What do you want to let people know?

Two things actually: however severe a conflict situation might be, keep things in perspective. If you think you are having a difficult time, realize that there is always someone worse off.  Here I am talking about poverty, I am inclined to say, that we in the industrialized countries would probably never experience it in the severity as I have seen them.  Moreover I like to quote my grandparents here. They always said: “Take life seriously, but never take yourself too seriously.”